bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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