is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
