When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
