My hand turned me down
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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