I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
