Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
