I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you would pick up someone in the library
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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