Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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