Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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