Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize