I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
