Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
