I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
