No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize