When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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