Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
