Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
