Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
