You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it was like his penis was on wheels.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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