I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
