Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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