If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
