You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
