I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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