Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
