I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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