she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
