I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
