the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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