The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
