When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
