I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
