Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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