I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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