Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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