Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
