Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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