Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
