can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
