I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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