I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize