I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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