We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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