I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
