Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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