Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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