Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
