speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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