Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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