Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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