you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
