did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
