we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize