So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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