I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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