I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Randomize
