You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
