I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
