Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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