I'm so fucking centered right now
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
