Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
