babies were throwing up all over the place
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
