I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
