I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
